Broken from the beginning?
There’s one ultimate thing that we all want deep down…LOVE
To love and to be loved.
This is something that weighs heavy on my heart but something that I don’t speak on often enough.
Right so let’s start from the beginning. I was born twenty something years ago and raised by a single mum. I never really asked too many questions about my dad, to be honest not having a dad seemed normal to me. When I did become inquisitive about it my mum was very honest she said “I gave your dad 2 options:
1. Stay and raise these girls with me or
2. Leave and let me raise them alone”
Yep he chose the latter.
Anyway, growing up I witnessed and knew of a lot of domestic violence within my family home and from close family friends. That was it, I made up my mind “I’m never getting married, men are horrible”, I didn’t have a positive male in my life and believed there was no such thing. I would go to school friend’s houses and be scared of speaking to their dad, I would rarely stay at a friend’s house if she had a dad because I thought that whilst we were sleeping, I would hear their parents fighting and furniture breaking.
During my teenage years, I spent more time fighting with boys than caring about who liked me, I never saw it as an issue. Fast forward a few years and I started to look at the relationship of boys and girls differently. My friends started to get into long term relationships and having babies. I was still there chilling, I would speak to people for a while but it never seemed to ‘work out’.
Now I’m going to explain what I mean by ‘Broken from the beginning’. My friends that were and still are in long term relationships, literally all have a positive father figure in their lives, and I deeply believe that this has a huge impact on our future relationships. They are shown first hand nurturing and positive relations between a mother and father, they know what to look for in a man and how they should be respected treated. Without that, how are we taught to be loved, not liked but loved, taught that men should elevate their women, not hit on them?
It’s a concept that I’m still trying to come to terms with and as of late it’s something that I want to understand, accept and grow with. My personal past relationships have reflected my experiences, through casual relationships/ situationships, being unbothered and being pessimistic about a new guy. I’m often told things like ‘Oh you’re too unemotional’, ‘you’re too independent, let him do things for you’, ‘you didn’t tell me you felt that way’. Don’t be fooled, I’m super sensitive and very emotional, I just keep it to myself.
Truth is I’m fucking scared. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what to say. I never knew love from a man, my mum taught me how to value myself and her relationships taught me what to not look for in a man, but can a woman really teach a girl everything?
In my opinion, NO.
Now I’m here trying to gather the fact that not all men are the same regardless of what I’ve seen and its now down to me to be open and learn how to accept love. Sometimes we’ve got to let go of the past and our perceptions and grow, love is out there for all of us!
And every day I speak to the universe that when I have a daughter, she will be a daddy’s girl and together we will raise her to be valued and loved unconditionally and not to be broken from the beginning!